The Arena Of The Unwell

The Film Reviews

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These were written by a tear sodden Alexander "Zander" McPhee who says : "Anyway fuck all this shit...i sit here typing this humourless pish at half 3 in the morning with a quickly descending cold, a face red raw from a day of sunshine, and a fried brain from a weeks worth of sunshine. No wonder all those Africans do is sit about and rot, its too dam hot to do anything else!

ANCHORMAN
For those of you who have not seen this film, i say see it now. I don't
know whether, like me, you'll love it or if you'll absolutely despise it. But whatever you do see it. It follows our lead Ron Burgundy (played by Will Ferrel) as an anchorman of the 70's revered by his peers and loved by all in his city of San Diego. At a time when things are changing and women are beginning to read the news we follow Ron's fall from grace and then his final redemption. The film is packed full of insanely funny characters including the weather reporter Brick Tamlan who, we are told, is mentally retarded. Its genius stuff man, and you know what? if you don't like it then fuck you, cos i don't like you.

MYSTIC RIVER
Oscar winner, which means next to nothing to me, but a great film.
Fucking ace turns by all the main actors including the highly under
rated Kevin Bacon, who steals the film for me. What happened to this guy? He makes quality films like Tremors and Sleepers then isn't in anything of note for years.Ole grissly Clint directs and its a weeper which is par for the course for the old boys these days. Anyway, all I can think about now is Tremors.

A FEW GOOD MEN
Don't know what made me think of this apart from the fact it's a good
film and tom cruise's midgety face is all rounf the TV these days.
Jack Nicholson plays the same pyscho character as always and acts everyone , except Cruise , off the screen. Kevin Bacon is also in it which i forgot, and can only be a good thing for the film. Keifer Sutherland has tiny bit part as does Noah Wyle aka Carter from ER.
He will be sadly missed at County General but something tells me Pratt is gonna do just fine. Anyway, Cruise puts in a mighty performance for a midget, and seems almost 5 foot tall at times. Nicholson is crazy, just pure crazy and Demi Moore, who was a big star at the time, just seems to do nothing. Lazy bitch. A film that cant even give people like Keifer or Noah good roles is worth watching in my book.

PHILADELPHIA
Highly overrated actor Tom Hanks stars in this film about a queer
lawyer who is fired by his law firm on account he has caught the gay plague. Good some of you say....couldn't agree more. However, gay tom tries to fight the decision and wins in a heart rendering and touching moment...if you're a poof. I jest of course. the film is excellent and Denzel Washington acts Hanks off the screen as his attorney in the case. Antonio Banderas plays Tom Hanks' even gayer than he is boyfriend and the film is a winner on all counts. Just try watching the funal scenes between Denzel and Tom and then the scene at Tom's wake with a dry eye.

CRIMSON TIDE
Black man = Denzel Washington, white man = Gene Hackman.
Gene Hackaman = embittered old racist and all roung general nut.
Denzel Washington = young upcoming star destined to replace old Gene. This is the formula for a brilliant and tense submarine film. Russsian rebels have gained control of nuclear arms last we heard and could be preparing an attack on the US...but god dammit we've lost radio contact. You think thats gonna stop old Gene Hackman as a navy Commander in charge of a nuclear submarine near Russia from nuking the hell out of any danger to America? Even if it is full of blacks dammit. Step in Denzel, the submarines second in command who disagrees with crazy Hackman's course of action, and also just happens to be black. The ship's crew split as some stand by their Captain and some back up big Denzel. Brilliantly tense scenes and a great cast which includes James Gandolfini and Viggo Mortenson make this a must see.

TRADING PLACES
Dan 'the man' Ackroyd is the person of superior race here, starring
opposite Eddie Murphy. Two of the funniest actors on the planet in their day and this shows you why. a greta film in which Murphy's street con artist is given Dan's top executive job for the purposes of a bet. Dan finds himself on the street whil Eddie lives the life of luxury. Jamie Lee Curtis also does her customary 'tits out' job as Ackroyd's love interest.Film is full of funny lines and Ackroyd and Murphy make a great duo.

KINGPIN
The funniest film of all time my feeble minded friends. Bill Murray and
Woody Harrelson in the same film, The Farrelly Brothers at the helm...what more do you want?! You want Randy Quaid playing a big goofy Ohmish guy, you got it buster. You want Woody Harrelson to be a drunk with one hand, well then you got that too. What's that...no, sadly there is no midget sex and i agree it is a glaring omission. But this is the stuff comedy is made of. Great soundtrack ( i particularly recommend the song "Bad Reputation" by Freddy Johnston) and a mighty performance from the legend that is Bill Murray makes this one of THE funniest films you will ever watch.
Watch out everyone theres a shitcloud coming!

TREMORS
Fucking brilliant film. Quality from start to finish, and a scary one
for the kids. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward play two back water country boys perfect. Just as they are about to leave their sleepy village in the middle of the desert the "graboids" as they would later become called in shitty sequals attack. Great effects for a film made so early and a good laugh all round. Don't watch the sequals before watching this, in fact don't watch the sequals at all. Enjoy this film for what it is, a masterpiece showcase of in depth acting and serious drama, why the academy never acknowlged it is still a mystery to this day.

THE CRUSH
Cult classic with Carey Elwes(a favourite) and a young Alicia Silverstone in a Lolita type role. Elwes plays an older guy that is just using Silverstone's parents out house to write his stories and she is the young attractive and illegal girl with a crush on him. Cut a long story short the film i good but could have done with more pervertedness.

THE PRODUCERS
Mel Brooks at his best with the help of Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel.
This is the film with the song Springtime for Hitler. A remake is coming out after Christmas with NAthan Lane so i advise you to watch this one and ignore the shite they will surley churn out as the remake. A classic all the way.

A TIME TO KILL
I am reviewing this now because i seem to be on a sort of black and
white theme having just reviewed Denzels' and Hanks' Philadelphia. This has a very distincy racial string through it as you might expect being about the rape of a young black girl in the South by two white Hicks and their resultant murder by the girl's equally black father.Burn that rotten black at the stake some of you say?! No no, don't be silly. Sam Jackson takes the role of the father and Matt McConaughey as his white middle class lawyer. Keifer Sutherland is in there as one of the hicks' brother who becomes a member of the Klan and the shit begins to hit the fan. Hisreal life father Donald also plays an old drunk lawyer and Chris Cooper plays a sheriff who has his leg blown off by sam Jackson in the midst of him gaining revenge for his daughter's brutal rape.Very good film, and again touching scenes at the end.

HARD RAIN
It may be a bit obscure, but it stars Morgan Freeman and Christian
slater so fits the bill for this raft of reviews. Chris Slater is one of my all time favourite guys. I mean its impossible not to like this guy, and his latest arse grabbing antics just cement the guys status as a legend. Anyway, he's not a half bad actor either and teams up with one of the best in the biz here. set in the middle of a flood it deals with the attempted hold-up of a truck full of money driven by Chrissy Slater. Morgan is the leader of a band of half wit criminals and just for fun we throw in Randy Quaid as the small town sheriff and Minnie Driver as the girl whose arse Chris Slater will grab after a few pints. This is actually a really good film. The flooded film sets are perfect and all the action set pieces are entertaining. Watch it for the Slater.

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